For some reason, this week has sent a pang of panic through my nervous system. I began questioning where I am and why I am here. Of course, my heart drove me on my current journey and I arrived at this pit stop in my life with confidence. However, the transition to living independently miles away from my support system has its unavoidable moments of stress and doubt. Having shifted every daily/weekly/monthly responsibility onto my own shoulders, I am feeling a little lost and heavy. Fiscal responsibilities (despite my attempt to detach from the stresses associated with money) have been draining and I’ve been closer to the “red zone” than saving green zone. With a family of financial, number-conscious individuals, I will be able to evaluate the logistical wavering quality of my accounts. Being a “yes” woman in every possible way, I have been somewhat unyielding in my decisions related to spending. Though I am in no way careless with my decisions, I am lacking a degree of control and informed decision-making skills.
The amount of responsibility I seem to be carrying extends beyond the financial world. A planned evening of relaxing sometimes turns into a cleaning fest, extensive meal prepping, or other daily tasks. Beyond this, my forever self-evaluating and excitable mind has been on overdrive as I am contemplating many upcoming events and opportunities. I am somewhat paralyzed with choices, and feeling a lack of centering to the essence of my being--the trueness of who I am. I feel in control of my direction in life, and because of this sometimes feel I must decide what to do NOW. I'm making an effort to continue recognizing the beauty in the unknown, trusting the universe will assist me in my personal journey (as it has already). I recognize the mindset I have bestowed upon myself is a product of my mind and ego. Further, I believe my spiraling thoughts of negativity and doubt are a healthy dose of reality, and are forcing me to ground myself and view the world more conservatively. It allows me to reevaluate my world with a different eye, rather than the wondrous, curious lens I typically use to view my surroundings. The hurtful and exhausting mental blocks I am currently experiencing are a necessary and acceptable part of my transition, and I am accepting of them. I do not avoid their presence. By not pushing away my emotions, I am able to move past them without allowing them to expand. An ignored impulse, thought, or feeling is stored in the psyche, waiting for a trigger to implode in our mind and remind us of our past stresses. Of course, most of the world we see is a product of our past and mental programming from outside sources.
In A Course In Miracles: Workbook For Students, I am learning various mantras to train my mind. The workbook provides 365 teachings that are profound yet simple to integrate into daily practice. In my most recent progression of thought from the “Foundation for Inner Peace” is the idea of past thoughts driving our present being. I have learned:
- “I am never upset for the reason I think.”
- “I am upset because I see something that is not there.” I am the creator of my distress, and the driving factor is a product of my mind.
- “I see only the past.” Everything I see is a product of something I have learned from my past. I attach meaning to people, places, and things based on past events and experiences. Thus, I do not actually understand what I see. I only see what I have created.
- “My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.” To directly quote the book, “No one really sees anything. He sees only his thoughts projected outword…the past is the cause of the misconception about time from which your seeing suffers. Your mind cannot grasp the present, which is the only time there is.”